That Damn Cat
by Ice Demon Allysandra
Summary: A crack-fic about Yuki's trials to win the love of Tohru Honda from Kyo. Shigure, Ayame, Kisa, and Hatori also make appearances in this delightful tale full of love and laughter...mostly laughter. I OWN NOTHING!


**That Damn Cat**

_Ice Demon Allysandra: Hey, hey! It's good to be back!_

_Lightning Demon Tetra: Mmmmm! Doughnut! Huh? What? Oh, right, we're on! Yeah whatever Ally said._

_Allysandra: Raspberry filled...Oh! Sorry! Well, we're here. We've completely lost our minds with this story._

_Tetra: Well maybe you. I just had too much sugar! But it's all good! Now, about our story!_

_Allysandra: LightningIce Productions is proud to present 'That Damn Cat'. A love/hate/comedy story. **WE OWN NOTHING!! DON'T SUE! **__**WE HAVE HIGHLY INTELLIGENT LAWYERS! Please review? Please?**_

Ch. 1

Yuki Sohma sat at the table gazing at his cousin, Kyo, with a seemingly calm expression. Inside, he was PISSED! That

damned cat was going on and on and on about martial arts. Blah-blah-blah! Worst of all, he was sitting TOO close to Tohru

Honda. HIS girl. The macoroni to his cheese. The hamburger to his helper. The spagetti to his meatballs. Shigure and Ayame

babbled some odd moronic shit as usual.

He felt the headache forming and knew it was another bad day thanks to 'it.' Ayame squealed, "Kyo, when are you going to

propose the Princess already! Have kittens! Grow old!" A dictionary flew into the poor, over-htper Snake's head. Tohru

jumped in alarm and looked at the Rat. "Y-Yuki, what's wrong? Why did you knock Aya out?" she asked. Her lovely blue eyes

shone with tears. Yuki turned towards her so he could reply with his most serious face. "Because he's my brother. It's my

job."

Tohru got up and sat near Yuki who smiled like a king or the next Japanese Idol. "Yuki? You look like a doofus! Stop smiling

like that!" Shigure sing-songed. A dictionary flew right into Shigure's head at that statement. Tohru rubbed Yuki's shoulders.

Yuki blushed as Tohru's full breasts were almost cushioning his head. 'Feel better? Can I get you a drink? How about milk?

How about I get you layed in bed?' she asked sweetly.

"YUKI! Wake up! Stop daydreaming when a beautiful woman is trying to talk to you. It's rude. And wipe that drool off your

face! What where you thinking about?" Came Ayame's voice crashing through his fantasyland. Yuki snapped from his dream

of Tohru in a teeny bikini rushing toward him down the beach in slow motion. He glared at his obnoxious brother. "I

dreamed of you falling off Niagra Falls with that stupid cat." he said in his usual calm voice. Kyo jumped up. "You wanna take

this outside, you damn rat!" he yelled.

Yuki sighed. "We ARE outside." It's true. They were having dinner under the clear, starry sky. James Blunt's song 'You're

Beautiful' played in the distance somewhere. Kyo gave Yuki his famous death glare (the one with all the hiss and no bite).

Then, he sat down with a fussy huff. "I hate this place!" he muttered as he stomped away. "I'm gonna wait in my room til I

die!" As he walked away, Kisa called after him, "I'll be there in a minute!"

Kisa walked off after Kyo as everyone except Yuki and Tohru walked off. Eventually, Yuki went into the kitchen. Tohru spilled

water on her blouse while pouring herself a drink at the sink. "Ooooh! I hope my blouse doesn't shrink and I pop out of my

top!" she exclaimed. Yuki had a major nosebleed. Shigure popped in. "Tampon?" he asked sweetly. Two dictionaries flew

into Shigure's face this time. Our story continued after everyone got back from the emergency room.

_-When they returned from the emergency room-_

Shigure decided to go to bed early before another ugly, gay doctor had to shove a bunch of tools up his nose again. Tohru

went to Yuki. "I went shopping today. Wanna see what I bought?" she asked. Yuki smiled. "Of course, Miss Honda." he

replied. Tohru pulled the scandalous thing out. It was a black, see-through nightie. Yuki's eyes got starry and made plans to

buy a camera ASAP. Tohru smiled. "I bought it for Hana. She met a guy named Scar at that black poetry bar she loves."

Yuki's face fell as all of his hopes of seeing Tohru in a sexy nightie were shattered. "I bought something for me too! Wanna

see?" Yuki spun around as his perverted mind started to go into overdrive. 'If she could buy that for Hana, just think of what

she could buy for herself!' Tohru reached into her bag again as Yuki began whimpering and drooling. His hands shook with

excitement. His heart beat faster. Tohru pulled out...(excited gasps from imaginary audience)...a pink frilly...pillow.

Tohru smiled. "My old one got a hole in it and the feathers were coming out." (Collective sigh of disappointment from the

audience) "Well...that's good for you." Yuki said trying to hold back tears. He started to walk off while Tohru followed behind

him like a long-lost puppy. "Yuki, my roof sprang a leak. Can I stay in your room with a sleeping bag. I don't snore or talk in

my sleep. I do moan sometimes but I hope that's ok with you." Yuki grinned from ear to ear like a Cheshire Cat. "Couldn't be

better!" he assured. Mini-Yuki wanted to victory dance.

_-Later on that night in Yuki's bedroom...with Yuki and Tohru...alone...all night...-_

Tohru sat up in her sleeping bag...while Yuki quickly pretended to be asleep as he was watching her and wishing he had X-

ray vision so he could see through the bag covering her tiny body. "Yuki, are you awake? You probably are. I won't say more

if you're asleep..." Tohru babbled. Yuki sat bolt upright with such agility that it temporarily for a second freaked Tohru out.

"Oh, you are awake. I have to say something. I--I--I love...a certain rat (The audience gasps). But he is such a man. I pray

he spills water on his pants just so I get to remove them in order to...fix the problem." Her face was redder than the reddest

red. Yuki's lips started to quiver as he contemplated pouring a bucket all over himself. "R...really? Go on." he urged.

Tohru gulped. "I want to walk down the aisle with him in a tight, revealing gown and eventually have lovely kids. I want to

feel his wonderful hands on my body. Oh, God! I'm sorry! Should I leave?" she asked while freaking out hoping she didn't

offend him. Yuki's reaction time was a little slow because he was still a little dazed. "Hell NO!!(continued exclamations)!!"

Tohru looked at him and threw her arms out. "Yuki! Take me now! I want the world to know! Even the Fan Club Girls!" she

removed her sleep robe to reveal...a black, naughty, see-through nightie.

Shigure jolted up in bed to the sound of heavy thuds, loud noises, and an owl. Ayame was a sound sleeper and dreamed of

Shigure...naked holding a rose...for a painting idea he had. Kyo dreamed of bass and Meowmix. Kisa dreamed of lollipops

and butterflies...and a dead Kyo. Yuki and Tohru? There was not much sleeping going on in that room. They eventually got

married and had the most beautiful kids in the world. Ayame and Shigure got married too and had the most nuttiest kids

ever.

Wanna see how that went?

-At Sohma House nine months later-

Hatori shot up in bed. "Why do I get the feeling the most horrible thing will happen to me?" His phone rang. "If this is

Shigure, I will find you and gut you like a fish." he said. It was worse...it was Ayame. "Ha'ri, you're going to be so happy!"

said the Snake. Hatori sighed. "I'm already on Cloud Nine." He lit a smoke. Ayame squealed, "We're pregnant!" Hatori

dropped the smoke, swore, put the small flame out, and then asked, "Who's 'we'?" Ayame laughed. "Tohru is actually! Me

and Shigure adopted of course. By the way, can you make a delivery? Now?"

The Dragon (Seahorse) of the Zodiac sighed. "I hate when I'm right." He made his way over to the house and...welll you

know the rest.

They all lived happily ever after. Except Hatori. The poor Seahorse...er...Dragon banged his head on the wall and wondered

to anyone above listening why he was cursed with the family he had. Anywho, we digress. Almost everyone lived happily

ever after...oh the fanclub girls? They all went nuts at hearing their beloved prince had proposed to Tohru Honda and

popped her cherry. We digress again. Farewell!

**Fin**

_Allysandra: Well, that's the story!_

_Tetra: (stuffing face full of peanut butter) Huh? Wha? Why do you always start when I'm eating?_

_Allysandra: Be kind and send us sweet reviews! Bye!_


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